Love is "Brutes"

hi. i just broke up with my boyfriend. or should i say, it was the other way around. i am a cornucopia of emotions. i go from mad to sad, bitter to optimistic, nostalgic to regretful.. i'm a little bit of a mess. these emotions, they rear their ugly heads at night, when i close my white door, and twist the lock to the right. no one can bother me this way.. & if they try, i can bury myself under the 4 layers of blankets on my 4-post Queen of Aran bed. i walk on the cold, wooden floor with my bare feet. i've given up my faux-fur slippers; only people in love can feel warm and fuzzy. i sit on my black computer chair, prop one leg up to tuck it under the opposite knee. even logging into myspace or facebook is a little heartbreaking. being in vegas for the weekend refrained me from altering my default pictures.

"burn all pictures where he looks sexy, and you look happy." - Carrie Bradshaw

i drown myself in old messages, an album full of pictures of us, and wonder.. about nothing in particular. what's he doing? what am i doing? why am i alone again? it's a vicious cycle of rhetorical questions; nothing is ever solved, only an excuse to say "hmm" instead of exhausting my eyes of saline (that comes later).

LATER.

"OHMYGODOHMYGOD."
(She sobs.) how rudimentary of me to reminisce about everything i used to, and still do, feel for him. why things had to end, even though i tried to halt the beginning.. how i let myself fall into a giant pool of love and affection.. it's all so new to me. guard down.. fists up? no. that was the old me, who wouldn''t have thought twice about the final moments of the relationship. Pre-Sergio Alex would have already found at least 3 victims to use post-breakup. Maybe 4, if you count the German, restroom-seeking admirer.

Post-Sergio Alex cares. and is still in love.

All this nausea and shortness of breath rushes through me. Mentality affects Body. nothing can prolong this.. the next few weeks will be hard. time does heal all (.. most) pain. i'd run the big hand on the clock around and around until i reached 11:00 AM. did i mention i'm a sucker? he's coming by tomorrow to drop off my birthday present. i'm a fool, who happens to be digging a grave deep enough for the hearts of 10 men.

once the internet has done its duty for the night, i unplug the AC adapter from my computer's socket. i breathe heavily, for i know what's coming. with the gentle push on my desklamp's switch, the lights turn off. i walk exactly 4 steps toward my bed. my full-sized bed with pillows and donovan, the build-a-bear we made together 4 months ago. oh, the irony. as i crawl under my stolen CSUCI fleece blanket and tuck myself in, i wonder what tomorrow will look like. as slowly and as carefully as ever, i turn to the left into the fetal position, grab donovan and hold him for dear life, and douse my pillowcase with love water.